Long time
Been a while since I wrote...noone reads this, anyway, so I could really care less what those of you non-existant people who don't read this think of the fact that there's nothing to read.
But, if you have stumbled across this then I suppose I should give you something....
I been thinking about picking up stalking. It seems like a pretty good gig, you get to use cool binoculars, if you're really into it you can get some with night sight, built in digital camera, and I'm sure there's some flavor with a radio or mp3 player to keep you company as you sit in the tree waiting for the stalkee to walk past the window. Yeah, neat toys, get to wear all black to stay hidden, improve your tree climbing skills, and pretend you're a ninja. Man, just keeps getting better and better!
Of course, that's what they tell you to get you into it. Fact is, there's a lot of negative things about being a stalker that noone tells you about. For one, it is a lot of work. First, you have to find a stalk-worthy person, which is not as easy as you'd think. Sure, a lost love is good for some, but lets face it, they probably aren't as interesting now that you two aren't together, and all it'll lead to is heartbreak the first time you catch them with someone else. Jealous rage, destruction of property or person is sure to follow, followed by a long stay at a pound me in the ass prison, so no...lost loves are out. Okay, strangers, someone you've noticed, are afraid to talk to for whatever reason, but you know that they'd think it sexy to find you in a tree watching them as they sleep. Well, probably not as they sleep as most people keep their blinds shut, so you end up sitting outside all night waiting for them to wake up on the off chance that they wake up, open the blinds, then get changed. Doesn't happen, they won't open the blinds til they're dressed, and where's the fun there? No, strangers aren't right, either.
That leaves celebrities. Yeah, you find the right one and you can have a pretty good time with it. Find a party person, someone who doesn't go to bed at 8, and life can get interesting. The problem, of course, is finding them to begin with. Not like Beverly D'Angelo is walking around downtown Peoria waiting to be stalked. Then, there's the paparazzi...they're professional stalkers so you don't really have a chance there. There's lesser celebrities that you can stalk, but who wants to get caught stalking that person from that one show with the kids and the angst? Yeah, you may get on Fark.com when you get caught, but you'd be more a joke than a hero.
So, first...finding the right stalkee is tough, but then there's the gas you have to buy to follow them around, and gas is expensive. Sitting in a tree for hours isn't all that great, either. After a few hours your ass starts to hurt. (not like when you get thrown in prison for stalking, maybe, but a pain nonetheless).
So, stalking's out, I guess...gotta find a new hobby now that my girlfriend and I broke up. There's always cliff-diving, anyone know of a good cliff around here to dump into the IL river from?
But, if you have stumbled across this then I suppose I should give you something....
I been thinking about picking up stalking. It seems like a pretty good gig, you get to use cool binoculars, if you're really into it you can get some with night sight, built in digital camera, and I'm sure there's some flavor with a radio or mp3 player to keep you company as you sit in the tree waiting for the stalkee to walk past the window. Yeah, neat toys, get to wear all black to stay hidden, improve your tree climbing skills, and pretend you're a ninja. Man, just keeps getting better and better!
Of course, that's what they tell you to get you into it. Fact is, there's a lot of negative things about being a stalker that noone tells you about. For one, it is a lot of work. First, you have to find a stalk-worthy person, which is not as easy as you'd think. Sure, a lost love is good for some, but lets face it, they probably aren't as interesting now that you two aren't together, and all it'll lead to is heartbreak the first time you catch them with someone else. Jealous rage, destruction of property or person is sure to follow, followed by a long stay at a pound me in the ass prison, so no...lost loves are out. Okay, strangers, someone you've noticed, are afraid to talk to for whatever reason, but you know that they'd think it sexy to find you in a tree watching them as they sleep. Well, probably not as they sleep as most people keep their blinds shut, so you end up sitting outside all night waiting for them to wake up on the off chance that they wake up, open the blinds, then get changed. Doesn't happen, they won't open the blinds til they're dressed, and where's the fun there? No, strangers aren't right, either.
That leaves celebrities. Yeah, you find the right one and you can have a pretty good time with it. Find a party person, someone who doesn't go to bed at 8, and life can get interesting. The problem, of course, is finding them to begin with. Not like Beverly D'Angelo is walking around downtown Peoria waiting to be stalked. Then, there's the paparazzi...they're professional stalkers so you don't really have a chance there. There's lesser celebrities that you can stalk, but who wants to get caught stalking that person from that one show with the kids and the angst? Yeah, you may get on Fark.com when you get caught, but you'd be more a joke than a hero.
So, first...finding the right stalkee is tough, but then there's the gas you have to buy to follow them around, and gas is expensive. Sitting in a tree for hours isn't all that great, either. After a few hours your ass starts to hurt. (not like when you get thrown in prison for stalking, maybe, but a pain nonetheless).
So, stalking's out, I guess...gotta find a new hobby now that my girlfriend and I broke up. There's always cliff-diving, anyone know of a good cliff around here to dump into the IL river from?
posted by TennesseeJed at 5:12 AM
4 Comments:
You are going about the stalking all wrong! Let tech gear work for you. Don't sit out in a tree, wait for them to leave their house/apt...and break in and plant hidden cameras. Have it hooked up to a computer or webserver. Then you can watch them at home...even if the blinds are closed.
And if you want to know where they are...plant a location device in them or on their car. It saves on the gas!
You can also plant a listening device in their purse, coat...whatever and hear what they have to say in conversations.
Today is the modern world honey! You don't need to sit in trees anymore.
damn, I am doing it all wrong!! time for a trip to Radio Shack!
Stalking is passe now that some guy has made a movie about trying to get a date with Drew Barrymore. I think you should take up drawing funny portraits for people. You know, where they tell you what sport or hobby they are into, and then you draw them with a giant head playing tennis or looking at stars. But stalking's probably more fun.
If you've seen my drawing (in)abilities you'd rethink the funny drawing idea. No, I'm a programmer because I flunked out of my architecture school's art classes.
But, if you want to draw a funny picture of me (without knowing what I look like) go for it..
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